Relationship advice from Carmel Wynne, an expert in relationship dynamics and communication

We’ve all been there. The relationship that once crackled with electricity has quietly settled into a rhythm of school runs, bin rotas and ‘What’s for dinner?’ It’s not that you’ve fallen out of love – it’s that life has crowded in, and the two of you have somehow ended up as housemates rather than partners.

That was the conversation at the heart of a compelling interview on The Claire Byrne Show, where relationship expert and psychotherapist Carmel Wynne joined Claire to talk about her new book, Get Real (Mercier Press, out 2 February). What followed was one of the most honest, practical and deeply relatable discussions about modern relationships you’re likely to hear.

“The Friendliness Goes Out of the Relationship”

As Carmel explained to Claire, the erosion of intimacy rarely starts in the bedroom. It starts with the small, daily frustrations that go unspoken – the dry cleaning that wasn’t collected, the bins that weren’t put out. Rather than addressing these minor irritations, couples let distance creep in, almost imperceptibly, until reconnecting feels like an impossible task.

“People get so busy with the practicalities of life,” Carmel told Claire. “And somehow the friendliness goes out of the relationship.”

It’s a deceptively simple observation, but it strikes at the heart of what so many couples experience. The romance hasn’t died – it’s been buried under the weight of the everyday.

Your Relationship Is as Good as Your Communication

One of the most powerful moments in the interview came when Carmel unpacked what real communication actually looks like. “Your relationship is as good as your communication,” she said – but communication isn’t just about the words we use. When someone says “I love you,” the meaning underneath those three words can vary enormously. It might be an invitation to connect, a bid for closeness, or simply a reflex at the end of a phone call.

In Get Real, Carmel encourages couples to “spiral down” beneath the surface meaning of words and find the emotional connection that’s really being sought. The problem, she says, is that “people are reluctant to ask for what they want in a relationship.”

The Power of “Because”

Carmel offered Claire – and listeners – a brilliantly practical framework. Instead of saying “You make me angry,” try “I am devastated that you did that, because…” That single word – because – is where the real work happens. It forces you to identify what you actually wanted and weren’t getting. And once you know that, you can ask for it – respectfully, not as a demand.

This isn’t about taking blame or minimising bad behaviour, Carmel was quick to clarify. If someone has done something hurtful, you name it. But framing your response around how you feel – rather than attacking your partner – opens the door to a conversation instead of a fight.

Two Minutes That Could Change Everything

Perhaps the most memorable moment in the interview was Carmel’s simple, surprising suggestion for couples who’ve lost their spark: stand up, set a timer for two minutes, and look at each other. Just look. No talking, no phones, no agenda. Just two people truly seeing each other.

“For a woman to say to her partner, ‘I miss you seeing me’ – and just for that two minutes, all the resentment and all the stuff and the busyness is gone,” Carmel said. “And most couples end up with a hug, and maybe it leads to the intimacy that had been lost.”

It’s the kind of advice that sounds almost too simple – until you try it.

We Don’t Talk About What We Want

Carmel also touched on the ways we show love – and how mismatched expectations can cause unnecessary hurt. One partner might splash out on an extravagant bouquet, while the other would have been happier if they’d simply made dinner without being asked. One might crave words of appreciation; another might need the gesture of a note left on the kitchen counter.

“Sometimes what we want is little gestures that say, ‘I’m seeing you. I’m seeing you’re tired. I know you’ve had a hard day,’ Carmel explained. “That’s what we want.”

And when those gestures stop? When “How was your day?” is met with “Fine” and nobody pushes further? That’s the beginning of a disconnection that, left unaddressed, can become a chasm.

It’s Never Too Late

The most reassuring message from the interview – and from Get Real – is that it’s never too late to reconnect. Carmel herself speaks with the wisdom of lived experience. “I sometimes shock friends when I say I was married three times,” she told Claire with a laugh, “because it was to the same man.” Her point? Relationships change. The arrival of children, the teenage years, becoming a couple again – each phase is effectively a new relationship that needs to be navigated with openness and honesty.

Rekindling those good memories, leaving little notes of appreciation, remembering the times that were brilliant – these are, as Carmel puts it, “the small things that make the difference that makes the difference.”

Get Real by Carmel Wynne is published by Mercier Press this February.

Whether you’re navigating the early years of parenthood, rediscovering each other after the children have flown, or simply wondering where the spark went – this is the book that will help you find it again. Honest, warm and deeply practical, Get Real is a guide to the conversations every couple needs to have but so few know how to start.

Available from all good bookshops and online. Order your copy today.

https://www.mercierpress.ie/books/get-real/

Listen to the interview in full: The Claire Byrne Show